today:

>>overwhelm<<

About being alone.
About being with people.
About inescapable loneliness.
About focusing.
About making decisions.
About losing things.
About going to school part-time versus full-time.
About KNOWING.
About finding yourself.
About finding what makes you happy.
About breathing.


Reading old journal? And playing Sia? Is making me not afraid.
I am a small portland (i meant portal) into the large universe.

Reading old journals brings out this part of me.

let's talk about anxiety, please

I'd like to start looking into naturopathic/yoga/artistic solutions to extreme depression.

The most I've felt empowered is reading Krishnamurti: that your anxiety shows everyone's anxiety.

The whole "journey" archetype: going through struggles in order to become stronger. The hardest thing in my life is the panic and immobility I get from sadness, loneliness, and anxiousness. The feeling that I want to die, that I hate myself, that there's so many bigger, better things I could be doing, that I don't appreciate my life, that nobody loves me, that I'm a burden on everybody.

I used to have an eating disorder, and now I have this. I believe that I can change, and that I'm learning to use tools in order to change.

I've been thinking about this for my thesis project, about creating spaces for students (artistic or otherwise) where we use tools in order to heal these people and make them powerful members of the world. I can't travel, I can't make art, I can't make a family, I can't make friends, until I step through this hoop, too.

question: sex?

Um,
why are there so many bisexual women in my life?
Marina Abromovic comes to mind.
Is the best part of sex the sex? Is it the telling about it, afterward?
Is it the being with the person? Can I have wonderful sex that means nothing?
What is it culturally that I know about sex?
How is it related to how much water I drink, and how I eat, and how I hold my body, and how I trust myself?
And whether being out at night is a thing, or the bluegrass, or driving in a car...

Art and the quest for the TRUE SELF.

Things that make me feel like a person: doing yoga.

And how Rudolf Steiner talks about our place in the world?

How a lot of art is about Expressing Yourself, when I was born out of the world,
things that make me happy dont make everyone happy

the art of BECOMING.
of using tools:
nature
schools
people
materials
time
money

to find out what it is you should do and then do it.

To find out what it is you are afraid of and become it.

It's like, there's nowhere to go, but then there's also a direction.

You know?

There are things that I like to do more than other things.
I'm thinking about moving schools, because I want art school to be more of a thing about solving how I feel about life.

I'm thinking about time a lot. About this imaginary man pressing down on me.
I'm thinking abou writing and gardening, too. About weaving and quilting.

About how I felt reading the beginning of David Sedaris's new book.

About how I felt walking into the art galleries downtown yesterday.

About how talking to people isn't what I think it is?

Reading:
Teaching As A Subversive Activity

Looking:
At the Bennington College's MFA Program in Writing

Blogs:
Jason Sturgill
OKBB
It's Nice That

today's questions

Joseph Campbell.
Krishnamurti.
Yaddo/Iowa Writer's Workshop.
Ann Patchett.
Alaska.

Using art to get yourself out of whatever box you find yourself in.
Non-violent communication.
Life as a whole.
Tinhouse. Poetry Review.

Having schedules.
FUTILITY OF ALL ACTION IS MAYBE FREEDOM!! [love]

Selfishness of artists/domesticity

Making goals vs. NOT BEING EFFICIENT.

That's my whole brain today, pumpkin. Have fun!

My little family as my gifts. My littleness. Little Robin.
Oh, and the importance of research and reading and stuff. Lah dee dah dee dah.

The importance of dreams. Wooden boats.