all I know is this

I know that art is a way to let feelings overtake you.

I know that the feelings I have aren't mine alone.

I know that I'm going to die.

I know that being outside makes me feel simple.

I know that I don't want to own a lot of things.

I know that I can't keep anything straight.

I know that things are changing quickly and I don't feel the need to worry.

It's also hard not to worry.

I want to pay attention.

I don't quite know how at the moment.

On prayer.

I have a lot of revelations while both cleaning houses, and bicycling.

I have decided that I can choose, and that nobody really ever knows what their doing.

That art and stories and myths show us the Holy Thing thats behind everything.

And that everyone is an "artist."

That I can ask for money, and resources, because I'm part of it.

That this is MY summer. My friends. My body. My hair. My curiosity. My family. My world.

I keep asking, should I stay in school? Should I go to South America? Should I move back to Alaska? Should I eat a peach? Maybe I can just let the questions be, and do the next thing right now. Read. Listen. Keep painting. Keep talking. Keep dreaming. Keep sleeping. Keep loving.

I called out to Ceci from cleaning the sink, but she didn't hear me. I wanted to say, "Ceci? We're going to die someday."

on goals and stuff

Today, I'll write some letters and read Moby Dick until finished, and I'll think about paintings and other things that I like to do at night.

I think I want to start a new painting, for no other reason than it makes me feel alive.

July third

Making a million plans/
and poetry that doesn't make sense
and classes and the Be Good Tanjas and smoothies
and actually buying tickets or just smiling or, you know, not.

It's hard for me to make decisive steps when I feel like there's a million things.
I was watching the Power of Myth and it was pretty cool.
About everyone having trials and some things feeling good and others not.
And doing things about it.

I've been reading Steiner, too, about education and things.
And Moby Dick, too.

I'm keeping a running account of myself, here.

I think we're so much bigger when we realize our place in the middle of everything.
Sorry if this is so scrambled, but my brain is so scrambled, and certain things are making me feel better.
It's when competition goes away, because we can all make each other better. We can all be so much more love for everyone.

ice cream, Rudolph Steiner, and absolute confusion.

Oh, and writing letters to past lovers.