Jealousy and What I Care About

I am thinking a lot about jealousy and hiding, today.

These aren't things that I'm proud of. When I realize how much I hide from the world, because I am ashamed of things that matter to me, I realize how much I am disconnecting from the world. My pleasure isn't separate from anyone else's, though when I ignore my feelings, I often let in other energy when I really need a barrier. I need to maintain my own story, so that I can navigate.

The jealousy that I feel is the ease of connecting. The jealousy that I feel is a lack of worry. The jealousy that I feel is having an identity of who I am. The jealousy that I feel is having a secure place in the world. The jealousy that I feel is being fearless. The jealousy that I feel is of making beautiful things. The jealousy that I feel is the ease of being around others. The jealousy that I feel is having a voice and a choice. The jealousy that I feel is that when I say something or do something, people actually pay attention. But then I deflect and a hide so much, out of shame. What would it be like to be unashamed? Totally open? Totally dedicated? What if I could see more connection, instead of comparison? What would it take for me to feel glad at another's fortune, instead of jealous?

Gaza

As I watch Democracy Now this morning, my energy level boosts up. No longer am I worried about the small issues of my mind, but I am able to see the larger violence of the world, and things that matter much more than the particularities of my life. I am able to see the larger scope of the world of which I am a part, and see all of the systems that I lie on top of. The food I eat, the car I am driving in, the oil that I use to heat my house, the clothes that I wear, the internet that I use to gain the access to information: I want to be a warrior of peace. I don't know what that means, yet.

As I did yoga this morning, I noticed myself settle back into myself. It is a practice that brings me back to myself.

What can I do? What can any of us do? I see that it's important to take the time to learn about the world. It's important to take the time to observe and reflect on my life. It's important to take in the energy that empowers me. It's important to discern what I choose to protect.

My family. Our well-being. Our connections. Our support of each other. 

connecting

          I'm writing this from the Olympic Peninsula. The water is flat and expansive. I watch my aunt drag sea kelp along the beach in order to roast it in the oven later. I've just come from Bellingham, where I signed up for classes for the fall, when I begin as a junior at Fairhaven College.

          I've been writing on the beach this morning. Taking the time to journal has helped me process a lot of the new information and feelings that I've been having. Yesterday, I felt so disoriented. I wept in the car as my mom and I drove here, I felt sick to my stomach, I felt like I was sitting in the middle of a raincloud. The episodes that I have like that are disturbing to me. What's hardest is the feeling that I need to hide them, when they are actually what is the most important thing in my life. The more I have an awareness that I am deeply disconnected from my being, the more I am aware that life doesn't have to be like that.

            I've begun reading Dan Siegel's book, Mindsight. I've been thinking a lot about trauma and the brain. I've learned new terms, like hyper-vigilance. Siegel writes that the parts of our brains that feel physical pain overlap with the parts of our brain that hurt when we feel a social rupture or disturbance. Deep trauma causes us to form patterns in our brains of stress, anxiety, and depression. The increasing awareness that I have that I am "not myself" feels like a sign that I am becoming more aware of that trauma.

                Integrating the brain means going into those places of trauma to understand what has happened in your life that caused you to begin forming those patterns in the first place. Feelings of shame, or avoidance of other people, feelings of disconnection from myself, feelings of emptiness or fear- the more I learn that these are not fixed states of being that I just have to deal with, but can actually go into and become more of myself, the more I am obsessed with this research. Mental health and well-being is as important as physical well-being. I would seek help for a broken leg, so why not for a traumatized brain?

                The program at Fairhaven encourages each student to go into what they are interested in. I'm seeking out more help and empowerment as I become closer to myself. I met a couple biking from Vancouver to Portland, and they started the Indianapolis branch of Food Not Bombs. We spoke of what it means to be food-secure, and that by lowering the cost of living, she was able to work less and have more time to devote to things that she cared about. I'm interested in how all of these things are related to mental well-being. The disconnection from our land, our 'ownership' of it, how much we work, how the media has caused us to see our bodies, our relationships, our place in the world, what pleasure looks like.

          Though I feel selfish to write this, I know I am actually finding more connection with myself. It is a search for a  lifestyle and practices that are sacred to me, which is part of a greater movement of changing the narrative of our lives. I have an intuition to go more into these things that I've struggled with, to find connection through them.

          My yoga practice has become more important to me. I find that going to yoga three times a week is a necessary way to check-in, feel calm, and cultivate the place in me that I feel the most calm and collected. The more I'm able to do the things that I love, like reading, or being in the garden, or sharing food, or playing music together, the less I am trying to prove something, but am instead able to learn what a sustainable lifestyle is for me.

Deep Ecology: We Can Change the World By Being Who We Are

           I've been dreaming of a home. I'm moving out of Portland in a month, to my next home in Bellingham, WA, where I'll finish my bachelor's degree at Fairhaven College in the field of therapeutic arts and group process. Joanna Macy. Charles Eisenstein. Wendell Berry. Expressive Arts Therapy. Interpersonal Psychology. These are new terms that have been entering my world. My own experiencing of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, eating disorders, self-judgement, and fear have lit a fire under my butt. It's all I can think about. I know I'm a bit of an old woman. I know I'm kind of serious. Sometimes I shut down my feelings and sometimes I am bitchy and cranky because they don't know how to come out yet.

            I've been going to a Presence Practice, or Empathy group, led by Vika of the RoseCity NVC group. This has been one of the many revolutionary practices that Portland has given me upon returning. The group practices active listening as we recount our experiences to each other, say how alive each feeling is for us, and then allow time for each person to process their emotions.

         The Integrated Arts Festival was another amazing experience. There was so much richness in the EarthBody/Body Story Panel discussion given by Mary Seereiter, Barbara Ford, and Damaris Webb. They introduced me to BodyMind Centering, Deep Play, and Authentic Movement. Barbara Ford sang the lyrics: "We can change the universe/ by being who we are." Joanna Macy writes about the buddhist notion that our pain is the pain for the world, and therefore it is meant to be listened to. At the panel discussion, Barbara Ford said, "Everything that you do is important. Your knitting is important."

              This is hard to remember when I feel as though I'm alone in the work that I'm interested in. Deep exploration of emotions and how the arts practices can be a release and a processing of them can feel like a scary place to go. The other night, I began crying during my yoga practice. I just released in a shower of tears. There was a small part of me that was enraged that I was feeling depressed and anxious. "This isn't me!!" I screamed inside. It was an angry part. Angry that my emotions were being bottled up inside of me. Angry that I was so self-judgmental. Angry that I was so stressed. Angry that I thought of my life in terms of a calendar.

           All I want to talk about lately is about therapy practices. I feel like a window has opened, in a way to be present and let out the energy I've felt that has manifested itself into pain from cultural conditioning. I've had a rough spring of anxiety and panic attacks, and my mind has become scattered and homeless. It seems like all I can think about lately is healing practices of re-wiring our brains to change our patterns.

       

            This is my new friend Kiri. I met her at the panel discussion of Earth Body/Body Story. She is working on finding the wild places in herself again, and doing amazing work in deep ecology and grief. More connections that I'm making in which people are experiencing the same need for change helps me drag myself out of my hole of isolation, and begin to connect my sadness and anxiety with a larger story. She reminded me that "the most personal is the most universal."

            What is enough? What cultural stories am I living out that are no longer working for me? Stress, and isolation, and comparing myself with others. Regulating myself, instead of letting energy flow through me naturally. Being ashamed of my emotions and of my body. Making myself smaller and apologetic. Rushing. Taking on the whole world.

            "Appreciation is a mindful practice," is a note I wrote down from the panel discussion. Sometimes I don't want to be appreciative of the shitty feelings I have! Especially when I begin to compare my privilege to the conditions other people are living. I am appreciative. But I also want to be angry, and sad, and I want to acknowledge my needs. Depression and anxiety are real things. Panic attacks are real things. What am I doing about it? What are we doing about it?

          As I sit in the room I am renting right now, I am writing for my new friends. I am writing to my friends who are going through the closing up of their emotions. I am writing for the anxiety of our culture. I am writing for the depression and hopelessness. I am writing for social angst. I am writing for new ways of being. I am writing for those who have also felt this call in their hearts. I am writing this for me, and I am writing this for you. And I do not think those things are separate. 

A Whole Lot of Talking About Self-Directed Lifestyle

I'm alone in my house today.

After this trip, being back in old haunts is bringing up a lot. I have lists and plans. I have resources and time to make it happen, but I feel as though I'm reaching around in the dark, with a tiny candle to see in front of me, and I carefully take a step at a time. 

Everything I've done, up to this point, has given me the tools, the perspectives, and the relationships in order to help me move forward. I've spent time alone before. I've traveled a lot. I've observed different lifestyles. And now, after having been with Classroom Alive, I've learned what it means to structure a lifestyle in a way that comes from my heart. I think this is what it means to live creatively--without a template, but being able to draw from my own resources to make something new, something that looks like me.

As I sit in my mom's house today, I'm being confronted with a lot of old fears and insecurities. There's a lot of difficult memories. When I'm alone here, in the middle of the day, I have a scary feeling of not existing, as though the world is going on somewhere else, and I'm sitting here, wasting away. I don't trust myself.

When I was doing yoga this morning, I got a sense of having a structure inside of me, and not having to rely on structures that already exist in the world. I texted my friend Ava right after, telling her that I think I'm afraid of my own power. Any sort of wavering or sadness or indecision makes us think that we can't also be powerful. But what if I embrace the not-knowing, and still forge ahead with the knowledge that I'm doing what I feel called to do. I will make mistakes, but that's part of taking risks. 

I think it's incredibly powerful to be able to create my own structure. When I am able to see that everything in the world is constructed-time, money, work, communities, society, culture, our image of ourselves, mealtimes, manners, laws- all made so humans can flourish, then I'm also able to see that I'm a vital part of that. I have a role in creating it. Instead of feeling oppressed by structures, I can use them to my advantage. I can see the tools, resources, people around me, and I can apply my dreams to them.

Classroom Alive gave me this energy to be able to move through the world as if I was swimming. Pursuing my own interests and passions, seeking out what I need, and maintaining a structure in the middle of uncertainty and unknown obstacles.

My energy changes during the day. I can structure my life around that energy. When I need people. When I need to be alone. When I need to make messes, when I need to clean up. When I need to curl into a ball in a pile of blankets. When I need to dance and run. When I need to talk. When I need to write. When I need to draw. When I need to take in inspiration. When I need to read poetry. When I need to pray. When I need to sing. When I need to learn. When I need to express. When I need to ask. When I need to be in touch with my needs.

The upcoming month in Alaska brings a lot of uncertainty with it. It's easy for me to fall into bad feelings--that I'm 23, that I'm living with my mom, that I don't have an income. It's really easy to see my life in terms of what it's lacking, instead of what is there. It's easy for me to feel lonely, and to need to have some outward security, instead of seeing the friends that are around me. It's true that I always have what I need, I just have to open my eyes to it, and to know how to ask for it, and to use it when it's there. It's exciting, that I have this time to plan, structure, set intentions of what I want to learn, skills I want to gain, people I want to meet, learnings I need to seek out, places I need to go, and ways that I can do it.

I set aside this morning as a time to create structure for the next month. So, first of all, I'll begin to list my goals, which I'll put in a few categories.

Harvesting ClassroomAlive

In order to process what I learned, I intend to write a thesis paper of my experience. I want to incorporate the books that I read, the ideas, the discussions, as well as the traveling, the people I met, living in community, and other learnings I gained. This lets me see what skills I gained during the trip that can help me as I go forward into the unknown. It's to help me see what I'm looking for, what my motivation is in everything I'm pursuing, and give me clues as to where to look next. I want to structure time to write, allow myself to process, remember, and be transformed by the act of writing.

Writing Comics

Closely tied with this is involving myself in the comic-world. I wanted to turn my thesis paper into a comic, which might expand to a larger narrative. My style isn't necessarily "comicky," but I'd like to begin to marry my interest in comics with my love of drawing characters, and of my obsession with writing, observing how people work, and forming and understand of the world through doing this. I want to spend time reading comics and copying styles, as well as practicing different ways of rendering characters and stories in a way that feels satisfying to me. This will take time just to practice, play, be curios, and allow nothing to happen except pursue a love of comics and telling stories and remembering things. 

Being Involved in the Community

                Being involved with the Alaskan community has become something that's important to me, that was never important before. I've only seen this community in terms of what it lacks, and pushed it away forcefully. This has made me extremely disconnected from my roots. I've never appreciated the significance of this community in this specific place. I want to become more involved. Some things that I need are here. Some things aren't. It's up to me to find what these things are. 
                  I'm also interested in how I can bring more of what I want to this community. Arts, events, conversation about issues, a creative place. An art house? I want to read the local paper events, and have conversations about political issues, resources, how we survive in this area, and what people are thinking about. I want to find the gems that are already here: the arts, the support, the events, the schools, and the programs that I can become involved in. I want to volunteer, or find a job somewhere. 
                On a broader level, I want to read more online news and find reliable sources to check regularly in order to have more awareness of whats happening outside of my immediate surroundings. 
     

Planning Ahead

                        To dream. To turn those dreams to plans. To research places, people, organizations, collectives, and schools that I'd like to seek out. What does Alaska give me? What else do I need to learn, and where can I find it? It means recognizing pain and confusion as unmet needs. It means getting in touch with what's important to me. It means gaining confidence and strength. It means exploring the spiritual aspects of my life. It means looking at how spirituality and art and lifestyle are closely related. It means making a structure of the next year, the next five years, the next ten years. It means calendars. It means looking at housing in Portland. 

Studying

                      Another source of strength is continuing to pursue my questions. Learning self-directed study methods and finding online communities can help this. This also means looking for  study groups I'd like to join in the future in Portland and Bellingham. I'd like to structure time for reading books and articles, making lists to see where they're leading, how they're related to my lifestyle. 
                     To begin a rough sketch, they'll involve spirituality, art, community-living, anthroposophy, education, perception, materialism, consumer-culture, nature, poetry. 
                     This also involves the time to check in with the Classroom Alive study group, and Skype with them.

Time to Play

                      Structured play. My sewing machine is set up with nice light. My mom has a pottery studio. In clay and fabric, as if I was a little girl who had never gone to art school and could approach it with curiosity and love. 

Exercising My Body

                Mostly in the form of walking, skiing, and yoga.

Being with Friends

                              Exploring what it means to be in relationship. Meeting people for coffee and talking. Writing letters and postcards and emails. Skyping. This means making film night dates and dinner plans. This means skiing together. This means asking people to go get beers at Taproot and seeing live music. This means going out to the theater, or other events together. Cuddling. 

Caring for Myself

                           Time devoted to giving myself a firm base. Making sure I have the tools I need, like a computer, a camera, and art supplies to complete the projects I'd like to do. Caring for my body and having time to meditate that check in with myself. Creating an image that feels like me. Spending time looking for clothes, and underwear, and a pair of glasses. Preparing good food and eating it with appreciation.

      *             *             *

I'm looking at the bubble of goals I made on a piece of paper, and I think this covers most of what I wrote down.

The next step is to flesh out, with a calendar, times that I'll actually do these things. It will be an ever-moving process, as I learn about events and make dates with people and find a balance of being with people and being alone. It means finding the times of day that I do these things best, and also creating timelines for myself to accomplish these things for the empowerment of just doing them.

It's a good feeling, to sit here and write these out. It feels like play, like life isn't really real, and that I'm five years old again, and can just explore what it is that I can do with my wild and precious life.

What I've Learned From Walking

Where to begin?

Classroom Alive has finished it's movement. I've been walking and hitchhiking with 11 people for the last 2 months and 3 weeks. Yesterday we walked all the way into the city, and saw the city from the top of the hill. I'm in Athens! I'm in Greece!

I'm ready for what's coming next. I feel like I've been re-set after living in a tent for this long, and have a different perspective on things. On myself. On people. On culture. I feel ready to find my place in the world.

A drawing of me by Berkeley Oceguera, my dear friend.

I'm thinking a lot about fine art and social practice. I just read an email of the same filmmaker who made the Welcoming Committee,  and he said that he saw social practice as "just living." I think I've known this, but made it larger in my head. Art. ART.

I'm devoting a lot of time for just learning, and letting go of expectations and judgements about what I think I should be doing,
I want to read John Cage, and more about contemporary art.
I'm interested in dance, too.
I'd like to be more confidant,

We were walking and my stomach was hanging over the waist straps of my backpack. I thought of what Mathijs said to me, that no one should oppress themselves, and I thought, "insecurity ends here, with me." And I felt proud of my body.

When I said I was always so quiet because I was afraid of not quite saying what I meant, he said I couldn't find out what I meant in less I say the wrong thing first. Basically, try. Keep trying.

I've been feeling transparent because I don't have any projects of my own, no way to relate to my life in the world. I'm always afraid of asking for what I want, or even knowing what I want, and I think this is the most important thing for everyone. To find out.

It's up to me to structure my life in a way that fulfills me. Right now, I chose to be in an apartment with 11 people in Athens, in an empty afternoon, talking about how to budget our money, and what to cook, and how to harvest our studies. I choose to fly back to Alaska, and then to move to Portland, OR again.

I'm also okay with not knowing, right now. I know I've learned how to just live, and I feel like I can build on that. I feel the desire to work, and to keep learning. I don't have to produce anything, or express anything right now. But I do feel a desire to have an 'inquiry' practice, a way to go through what's going on in me. It doesn't have to take the same form, all of the time. I don't know what form it takes. I do crave feeling playful and stimulated. I crave feeling safe and loved and expansive. I do crave having assignments and suggestions and ideas. I'm not alone in this.

Reasons I Should Be Yipped

The Youth Initiative Program is a year-long, community-housed, confidence-building burst of inspiration and motivation in Jarna, Sweden. Yesterday, Manich spent all morning convincing me why I should go.
He made a few points about "yippies":
Instead of seeing a lack if resources or possibilties, they see what they have.
They are like a world-wide family.
They've learned how to reach out to find what they need.
They want to make the world a better place.
They care about how they show up in the world.

I don't know if it's where I should go. Every spring, there's an Initiative Forum, a week of speakers and meals full of inspiration about how to start projects and how to create.
Even if I don't go, it makes me think how I can incorporate this into my life.

Mathijs and Caleb we're discussing what a continuation of Classroom Alive would look like. They talked about how to structure a curriculum, whether it would be in one place or in many places, whether the students would travel to different teachers, whether they would stay together the whole time or only for 6-months at a time. While we hitch-hiked this morning, Mathijs and I continued talking about it. Why is it that we want to create something like this? A supportive community? To have a group who wants to see how their learning relates to their lives and the world, instead of just preparing them for the labor market? It isn't so much a commune as a shared studio space, a shared learning space, and either could be a set curriculum for a few years, with specific goals, or a student collective with continuing support for everyone in each step, and a chance to tach each other.

When we were at the Livig Wholeness Institute, Clare said to me that when she returned from her year of traveling to interview social entrepreneurs, she began to seek out people that she wanted to spend time wth. As we drove crazy-fast on windy roads, as the driver smoked weed and rolled a cigarete in his lap, answered his cell phone and listened to techno-pop-crazy music, all with a tiny puppy in a cardboard box by Mathijs' feet, (!) I thought about all the people close to me, and what brings us together. With all of them, we're interested in how we can be more free, or more of ourselves, or live passionately, despite what the world has shown us is possible. There's something in me that believes and lives for this, even though I have surface-y fears and doubts.

I think everything has led me up to this point, and I don't know what's next, but I believe in my interests of a compassionate place in the world, to learn and create and be myself. I know it's missing in my life, and if I can find a way to bring it, I believe it is a need for others.

I want to learn more from places like YIP. There's a few names, Deborah Freize, Orland Bishop, Alan Watts and Alan Webb, and Edgard Gouveah. They talk about education, or how to start new things in the world, or how to start even if you don't have enough money, or support.

I listened to a podcast with Eve Ensler yesterday. She talked about how we are so obsessed with our bodies, but never really inhabit them. She also talked about how our lives are "precious only up to a point"- and our comforts are no more important than anyone else's. I think somehow I need to expand my fears beyond my own comfort. Mathijs said we find our identity in the things we work on. What if my "art" is where I find these meanings, these answers? And if ignite myself the compassionate space to have the questions, and to try and fail, and to learn (so I can be part of the world)?

And remember, there is plenty of time.