Deep Ecology: We Can Change the World By Being Who We Are

           I've been dreaming of a home. I'm moving out of Portland in a month, to my next home in Bellingham, WA, where I'll finish my bachelor's degree at Fairhaven College in the field of therapeutic arts and group process. Joanna Macy. Charles Eisenstein. Wendell Berry. Expressive Arts Therapy. Interpersonal Psychology. These are new terms that have been entering my world. My own experiencing of depression, anxiety, panic attacks, eating disorders, self-judgement, and fear have lit a fire under my butt. It's all I can think about. I know I'm a bit of an old woman. I know I'm kind of serious. Sometimes I shut down my feelings and sometimes I am bitchy and cranky because they don't know how to come out yet.

            I've been going to a Presence Practice, or Empathy group, led by Vika of the RoseCity NVC group. This has been one of the many revolutionary practices that Portland has given me upon returning. The group practices active listening as we recount our experiences to each other, say how alive each feeling is for us, and then allow time for each person to process their emotions.

         The Integrated Arts Festival was another amazing experience. There was so much richness in the EarthBody/Body Story Panel discussion given by Mary Seereiter, Barbara Ford, and Damaris Webb. They introduced me to BodyMind Centering, Deep Play, and Authentic Movement. Barbara Ford sang the lyrics: "We can change the universe/ by being who we are." Joanna Macy writes about the buddhist notion that our pain is the pain for the world, and therefore it is meant to be listened to. At the panel discussion, Barbara Ford said, "Everything that you do is important. Your knitting is important."

              This is hard to remember when I feel as though I'm alone in the work that I'm interested in. Deep exploration of emotions and how the arts practices can be a release and a processing of them can feel like a scary place to go. The other night, I began crying during my yoga practice. I just released in a shower of tears. There was a small part of me that was enraged that I was feeling depressed and anxious. "This isn't me!!" I screamed inside. It was an angry part. Angry that my emotions were being bottled up inside of me. Angry that I was so self-judgmental. Angry that I was so stressed. Angry that I thought of my life in terms of a calendar.

           All I want to talk about lately is about therapy practices. I feel like a window has opened, in a way to be present and let out the energy I've felt that has manifested itself into pain from cultural conditioning. I've had a rough spring of anxiety and panic attacks, and my mind has become scattered and homeless. It seems like all I can think about lately is healing practices of re-wiring our brains to change our patterns.

       

            This is my new friend Kiri. I met her at the panel discussion of Earth Body/Body Story. She is working on finding the wild places in herself again, and doing amazing work in deep ecology and grief. More connections that I'm making in which people are experiencing the same need for change helps me drag myself out of my hole of isolation, and begin to connect my sadness and anxiety with a larger story. She reminded me that "the most personal is the most universal."

            What is enough? What cultural stories am I living out that are no longer working for me? Stress, and isolation, and comparing myself with others. Regulating myself, instead of letting energy flow through me naturally. Being ashamed of my emotions and of my body. Making myself smaller and apologetic. Rushing. Taking on the whole world.

            "Appreciation is a mindful practice," is a note I wrote down from the panel discussion. Sometimes I don't want to be appreciative of the shitty feelings I have! Especially when I begin to compare my privilege to the conditions other people are living. I am appreciative. But I also want to be angry, and sad, and I want to acknowledge my needs. Depression and anxiety are real things. Panic attacks are real things. What am I doing about it? What are we doing about it?

          As I sit in the room I am renting right now, I am writing for my new friends. I am writing to my friends who are going through the closing up of their emotions. I am writing for the anxiety of our culture. I am writing for the depression and hopelessness. I am writing for social angst. I am writing for new ways of being. I am writing for those who have also felt this call in their hearts. I am writing this for me, and I am writing this for you. And I do not think those things are separate.