connecting

          I'm writing this from the Olympic Peninsula. The water is flat and expansive. I watch my aunt drag sea kelp along the beach in order to roast it in the oven later. I've just come from Bellingham, where I signed up for classes for the fall, when I begin as a junior at Fairhaven College.

          I've been writing on the beach this morning. Taking the time to journal has helped me process a lot of the new information and feelings that I've been having. Yesterday, I felt so disoriented. I wept in the car as my mom and I drove here, I felt sick to my stomach, I felt like I was sitting in the middle of a raincloud. The episodes that I have like that are disturbing to me. What's hardest is the feeling that I need to hide them, when they are actually what is the most important thing in my life. The more I have an awareness that I am deeply disconnected from my being, the more I am aware that life doesn't have to be like that.

            I've begun reading Dan Siegel's book, Mindsight. I've been thinking a lot about trauma and the brain. I've learned new terms, like hyper-vigilance. Siegel writes that the parts of our brains that feel physical pain overlap with the parts of our brain that hurt when we feel a social rupture or disturbance. Deep trauma causes us to form patterns in our brains of stress, anxiety, and depression. The increasing awareness that I have that I am "not myself" feels like a sign that I am becoming more aware of that trauma.

                Integrating the brain means going into those places of trauma to understand what has happened in your life that caused you to begin forming those patterns in the first place. Feelings of shame, or avoidance of other people, feelings of disconnection from myself, feelings of emptiness or fear- the more I learn that these are not fixed states of being that I just have to deal with, but can actually go into and become more of myself, the more I am obsessed with this research. Mental health and well-being is as important as physical well-being. I would seek help for a broken leg, so why not for a traumatized brain?

                The program at Fairhaven encourages each student to go into what they are interested in. I'm seeking out more help and empowerment as I become closer to myself. I met a couple biking from Vancouver to Portland, and they started the Indianapolis branch of Food Not Bombs. We spoke of what it means to be food-secure, and that by lowering the cost of living, she was able to work less and have more time to devote to things that she cared about. I'm interested in how all of these things are related to mental well-being. The disconnection from our land, our 'ownership' of it, how much we work, how the media has caused us to see our bodies, our relationships, our place in the world, what pleasure looks like.

          Though I feel selfish to write this, I know I am actually finding more connection with myself. It is a search for a  lifestyle and practices that are sacred to me, which is part of a greater movement of changing the narrative of our lives. I have an intuition to go more into these things that I've struggled with, to find connection through them.

          My yoga practice has become more important to me. I find that going to yoga three times a week is a necessary way to check-in, feel calm, and cultivate the place in me that I feel the most calm and collected. The more I'm able to do the things that I love, like reading, or being in the garden, or sharing food, or playing music together, the less I am trying to prove something, but am instead able to learn what a sustainable lifestyle is for me.